In September (right after Cooper turned one), I was running with Sarita and I felt very winded. I couldn't catch my breath, which does happen from time to time, but this was the third run in a row like this. I was sweating buckets. Discouragement was kicking in. I remember sitting on the end of my driveway stretching after a run, reflecting on how much it hurt, and Sarita said, "Are you pregnant?" "Oh, no way," I replied. Sarita answered, "Well, I just remember you feeling like this when you were pregnant with Cooper."
I couldn't shake our conversation, so I gave myself 4, yes FOUR pregancy tests that day. They were all positive. Not believing it could possibly be true, I asked Nate to stop by the store and buy the more reliable test on his way home from work that day. He bought a two pack. The first was positive, so I did the second, too. It was positive, too. It would be an understatement to say I was in disbelief.
After that the crying began. This was really not my plan. I watched as several families around us had babies close together, and I thought that was not our style - I needed time to recover from the first. Surely God didn't have this in mind for me - didn't He remember how hard being a new mom was for me? Nate travels - remember God? I think I cried for about 2 weeks straight.
Looking back, I am really embarrased about the way I handled this surprise gift the Lord gave our family. I wish I would have been mature enough to laugh, to enjoy, to celebrate God's gift to me. I remember telling a wise friend about another experience that I look back and regret, and his encouraging advice was something like this: Looking back with regret shows we have grown. Oh, how I long to grow!! My response to my pregnancy with Miles' really revealed more selfishness in me that the Lord continues to strip away, one piece at a time. After I married Nate, I remember falling on my face, overwhelmed that I could be so selfish. Then, after I had Cooper, more and more layers were stripped away. This life isn't about me, and having a child made it very clear to me that my needs neet to be set aside.
Enough reflecting. I am a sinful, selfish woman, saved by God's grace. God has used my children to refine me, break me, and mold me. He gave me Miles Henry Bethell. And I am thankful.
Just think, I would have missed all this:
2 comments:
Encouraging post. Thanks so much for being real!
Great post Carey!
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